I've been telling myself I'm going to get the laptop out and write a post. But I never get around to it when I'm around the computer. I'm not really tech savvy. Almost everything I do online I do from my phone. I only get the laptop out once in a blue moon (more now because I've started trying to make my own stickers, but used to months would go by and I wouldn't even start up that thing).
But I need a moment for my brain just to vomit.
My whole heart and soul have been in am upheaval lately. It's like a constant storm inside my brain. It comes out in my dreams, I dont sleep well, then carries over into my day when I can't handle the everyday stresses of mom life to 3 busy little humans and I crack over the smallest things.
I quit my little orange pill right before Christmas last year. And with it my birth control, which was the hormonal treatment for my PMDD. I was living on a cloud for a couple months and things have gone down hill. I got back on the bc hoping that will balance my brain enough without citalopram long term. I go back to my Dr next month and I'll talk to her about it.
But it's more than pmdd. And I know that. And it's not in me to just turn to drugs to fix my problems. A lot of this is coming from how I feel about my parents. And that sounds stupid coming from a 30 year old (even my sister tells me I can't live in the past).
I deal with a crap ton load of guilt. Like a lot. And hurt. Like physically hurts to think about my parents. To think about how much my kids loved their mimi and pawpaw. And how they aren't loved in return. It breaks my heart. I feel guilty. But I couldn't let this keep going.
My mom's birthday was a couple weeks ago. That was really hard for me. That whole week was. I don't think my sister thought much of it.
She hasn't been thru the extent of hatred and disowning that I have been. She was the one who backed off from them, not the other way around. She refused to be a part of their lives. They disowned me.
It's really hard.
And it hurts a lot when the last person close to you says "you hate them" or "you can't live in the past". It feels dismissive and really hurts. Like what I struggle with on a daily basis is my fault and I need to get over it.
I don't know. Why I feel like I need to blog about this I don't know.
Maybe it will help someone?
Maybe it just helps me for my brain to vomit.
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