Finding Me.

I'm at work, but currently just riding in the feed truck while my husband puts out feed. We've had a calf born and cut a DA with the vet, cut cows out for cull, but now it's kind of the lull of the evening. 

The kids all wanted to spend the night with their grandparents, and my mother in law is off tomorrow, so I'm working the full night with my husband here at the dairy instead of going home to get the kids to bed like usual.

I do this about 2 or 3 times a week usually. Lately everything has been anything but usual though. It's been a total crazy house here with all 5 of us sick with a pretty bad cold (not covid). My 2 year old had an ear infection that needed antibiotics, I ended up on antibiotics for bronchitis, my husband and boys have been sick but not to where they needed antibiotics. We're finally on the other side of it but boy has it been a crazy time. 

It's cold here in SC tonight. They're even calling for some snow this weekend. But my fingers are nimble for typing on my phone since the heater works in the feed truck. I love waiting on the milkers to come push cows out of the pen so we can feed and smelling the silage as my husband runs the truck down the barn. 

It's also a good spot to get thoughtful for me since I'm not in the truck long enough to bring my planner, and I don't want to just scroll socials. So here I go blogging. Which I guess is a social..... 

Whatever. 

It's the New Year. We're already almost half way through the first month of 2022. But I'm enjoying it so much (minus the bronchitis). I actually got off my hormonal bc (treatment for PMDD) and my little orange citalopram pill right around Christmas. I want to be just me, no drugs involved, but I also didn't want to push it if I needed to stay on them. I'm so thankful that so far so good. I've never felt so really me and in tune with my body and my needs. 

But I know this isn't just from coming off of pills. 

A lot more of it has to do with setting boundaries with my parents. Which is a bittersweet thing, and one they will never understand at all. But that's OK. 

I've spent 30 years trying to get them to understand my side of all this. Which is sad when you really think of it. There comes a time when a person just wants to be happy. And that's where I'm at. 

I'm 30 years old. And I'm just now realizing I'm an individual. All my life I was taught to be a copy of someone else - whether one or other of my parents or even my sister. This migrated over to my husband when we got married without me even realizing. It was so brainwashed into my being that in order for the person I'm with to be happy I have to agree with them on everything. (Side note; Im so thankful for the husband God gave me and how hes helped me through this epiphany.) Growing up from a child, to preteen, to teen, to young adult, to leaving home, I was never given the chance to find out who I am. 

I know that sound cliche. But we all do it. I'm 30, and I'm just now, just now, like literally just now in the past 6 months, realizing who I am. It's so completely freeing and liberating and refreshing. To know that I can love something and not worry about the people I'm closest to being mad at me because it's not something they like. Just something as simple as that. To know who I am, what I like, what my limitations are, what my needs are. Wow. I mean it's amazing. 

I'm love 2022. And I can't wait to see how this year goes for us.