Living with the effects of 23 years of mental abuse is something I've just recently come to realize I've been dealing with.
Its took years for me to realize the damage my upbringing caused me. And how I deal with it on a daily basis. There so much almost taboo around mental health and around the effects - or even the existance of - mental abuse.
I was raised believing it was faithless to take any medicine for say depression or anxiety. Now my dad would run to the dr for antibiotics any sniffle he got, but taking medicine for mental health? that was sinning and taking our lives out of God's hand and trying to control our minds instead of letting God fix us.
So, I've struggled with panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and pmdd since I was a preteen. Only this year did I finally break down and tell my OBGYN about my troubles and she prescribed me a very low dose anti depressant. And it wasnt until I actually swallowed my first pill that I was free of the mind set that mental health medication is against God.
I still struggle but I'm not spending a couple hours a day curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing now. And I'm so thankful for that.
This year has been very hard. I think I've finally met the reality that my parents dont really love me and my inner little girl is taking it very very hard. I'm on the other side of that now, thank God, but its been very tough.
My mom doesnt even know I'm on an antidepressant. She doesnt know anything about my struggles. I dont think she ever will. Unless she somehow finds my blog and reads this.
I dont plan on really publishing this. Maybe someone will find it on the dark web of the internet and it'll help someone somehow, but mainly this blog is for me to vent and think through things.
I dont know what God has planned for me and my family. I know my husband is called to preach. One day I will be a preachers wife. I think God is working on my testimony. Hes building a beautiful one and I'm trusting Him for the next chapter.
I tried to stop taking my antidepressant. My first thought was I didnt really need it, God fixed what was bothering me, and this isn't really helping anything. 3 days later my husband was begging me to "just take the pill" because I lost it at work and was crying and angry and sad all at the same time. So I know this pill is in God's plan for me. And its also in His plan for me to take it for a while. Long enough for my own doubt to be removed. For me not to back peddle and say "Oh well, you really just need to trust God and not take medicines like that." Because thats what in my heart I want to say - because it was brainwashed into my being for 23 years.
But God knows what Hes doing. And we have to trust Him. Even if by trusting Him, it looks like, to our soul's eyes, that we're not.
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