Mental Abuse

I'm just sitting here in my bed this evening. Waiting on my husband to get home from work. I came home about 730. He won't get home till about 11 or so. I don't go to sleep till he gets home. I don't get tired anymore now my body has gotten used to this new routine. 

We used to get up early like about 5am. And my husband worked 6 to like 6 pm. We went to bed no later than 9. 

Now our kids normally get us up at like 730. 🤣 

But anyways. 

I'm just thinking.

I have a lot of things going on in my life. Mainly to do with my parents and how I was raised. You wouldn't think how you grew up would effect you at age 30. But it does - a lot. 

I was raised very weird. It's hard toexplain to people who don't know. From the outside everything was good and sweet and happy. The perfect family. From the inside it was horrible. 

But I was never physically abused. Never sexually abused. My parents didn't drink or do drugs. I usually had food and most of the time a home. 

So I know a lot of people have had it way worse in their lives. 

And that has made me down play how I feel and what I went thru a lot. 

But abuse is abuse. And I think emotional and mental abuse is often downplayed because no one can outwardly see the pain and trauma the victims endure. And the victims can hide it really well - that's part of the abuse anyways. 

It's been a long road for me to become an almost normal adult. I still have a long ways to go. 

I found some messages my dad has sent me today. And I texted my mom some. 

It's a horrible thing to realize as someone's child that your parents don't truly love you. That they use you for their own benefit. But loving you as a parent should love their child was never something they did or would do. 

It's easy to see once the abused child grows up and becomes a parent themselves. 

I'm blessed. God has allowed that I didn't keep up the cycle of abuse. I married a man who truly loves me and wants me to be an individual. And we have 3 beautiful children we both love very much. 

I know how much I love my kids. It makes me happy just to see them happy. Just to see them smile. I'll put back something I want to buy for myself just to get some over priced toy for my kids because it makes them happy - even though they're spoiled and have more toys than they can play with. I just want to see them happy. 

I hate science fiction. I don't like star wars. But my eldest son loves the Mandalorian and baby Yoda. So I buy him everything baby Yoda and the mandalorian I can find. I've even sat and watched the shows with him. Even if I hate science fiction. Because I want him to pick what he likes and be an individual. And I want him to know I'll be there and enjoy it with him - just because he likes it. 

I don't try to talk him out of what he likes just because I don't like it. 

The same for my other two kids. 

I'm still trying to figure out who I am - at 30, with 3 kids of my own. I don't really know what I like or what I want. Because I was conditioned to like whatever everyone else likes around me. That was the "safe" choice. Because no one could get mad at me if things went wrong. It wasn't my idea or my fault. Or they couldn't get impatient with me because they don't like spending time doing something they don't like just because I want to do it. 

It's crazy. And it's hard. And what worse is the abusers never know how badly they treat you. They think they're right. And they will turn stuff on you in a hot minute. And you'll leave feeling guilty for being upset with them. It always your fault. 

I never want my kids to feel these things.  

I want all 3 of them to grow up to be strong, independent individuals. Who are confident in who they are and what they want. 

And I want them to trust me. I want them to be able to come to me with anything anytime. I want them to be able to come home if they want to and it's still their home. I never want them to feel like strangers in their own home.

I never want them to not feel welcome by me. Any time of day or night. I want them to trust me with anything. I never want them to want to tell me something but can't because they're scared I'll turn it on them later or scared I'll judge them. I want them to be able to pour their hearts out to me no matter what it is. 

I never want them to feel like they're alone in the world. I never want them to feel like they have to learn how to grow up and learn how to be an adult and handle life all alone. I never want them to feel alone. 

It's horrible to be parentless - especially when your parents are still alive and well and live less than an hour away.